Just back from a much need (and much put off) run.. Felt good to clear my mind for a while and concentrate on nothing but going forward. I guess too much happened lately and i've been so numb to feel alive.


This time, its different. I did not cry. I did not scream. I did not, for the first time, try to kill myself. I'm kinda numb to everything i guess. I saw it coming too. I knew a part of me die when he said those words to me.

I was angry. Angry at him for making me believe he was ready to settle down with me. Angry at myself for letting me make that mistake of falling into love again and trusting him. I'm angry at him for going back on his words within like 3 months. I'm angry at myself cause i should have listen to my inner voice.

So i forced myself to stop loving him. Its easier once you know he doesn't love you. I just shut him out of my life. Its better this way. I've been hurt enough and i certainly don't need another man to do it to me again.

Danny says i should get a tattoo to ease the pain. He's so like me. We both use pain to help us feel better when we are upset. I'm going to see his tattoo artist soon. Just need to decide on the design. When i told Danny that i wanted to pierce my nipple, he freaked out.

*tIng laughs.*

I don't think i'm going to do that. But if i ever decide to poke myself again, i'm going to do my neck. Just one stud on the back of the neck. I love the way it looks. But then again, i don't have the money and i'll most likely going to lose my job.

*tIng frowns.*

Haiz.. I don't think i'll be able to hide it. Esp since i've sort of decided that i'm going to cut my hair reall short.. just like a BOY.. I don't think i need long hair now that i'm single again. The only reason i kept it long was because Sailor boy didn't like me to have short hair. But now, i guess it doesn't really matter anymore.

I've come to the conclusion that i might as well just spend the rest of my life alone. I spent the last 3 months going round in circles only to come back to the same point.


Its too tiring to start dating anyone again. I mean, whats the point of trying so hard when they are all going to leave you? Men are selfish creatures. They want you to love them even when they don't want to love you back. This isn't fair. Come to think of it, nothing's really fair these days.

I think love is like a cup of coffee. If you don't drink it while its hot, its just turn cold and sour. Like me. He kept running from me and in the end, i turned cold and numb to whatever he do. I just shut him out.

I think i'll just wait for Kongkong to come back. NO.. there's nothing between us. Its just that he's one person i feel really comfortable with. Cause i know all the hurt and pain are all gone and what's left is just friendship. Kong said that if we are single and working, we should get an apartment. And on Fridays nights, we'll throw parties at home. On Sundays, we'll just laze around and be bored. Or on the other hand, we could take trips around. Exploring places like they way we always did. I told him.. Fine.. we can be room-mates but he cant say anything if i bring guys over or he brings gals over. *laughs* I wouldn't be surprised if he starts his naughty nonsense again.

Hmm.. Maybe i should fix him up with Daphane or Candice then. Since i like the both of them alot, maybe he'll like them too. And seriously, i think he'll like Candice. Hmm.. i don't know.. Maybe we have different taste in women. *shrugs*

I always thought i'll move in with Danny when i grow up. But i think he's too happy with his gf and i'll only be a lightbulb in their lives. I saw the way he looked at her that day. The way he kept saying things like "Isn't she so pretty?" or "Isn't she just amazing?" Yes.. He DID SAY THAT. And i knew that's the kind of relationship i want. Still in love even after 3 years! 3 FREAKING YEARS.


*tIng sighs.*

Is there something so fundamentally wrong with me? Am i so unlovable? Do i not deserve love? I don't think so. I don't think i deserve anything less than 100%. I'm a nice person. I give my seats to needy people. I don't smoke. I'm nice to people most of the time. So why am i not getting the things i want?


I made myself a little happier today. I went for my manicure and pedicure. And i also went to do my eyebrows.


Anyway, i think the only relationship i'll be having will be with me. No one loves me more than me. And only me knows what me wants all the time. If there's only one person you could love in your life, i going to love ME. =P


loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.