Saturday... 1.19pm. Thunderstorm outside.
Was supposed to go to work this morning but i woke up with a terrible pain in my stomach so i msg J to tell her i'm not going back to the office, i'll make up for the hours next week.
Rested the whole morning.. watched the chinese serial drama that i borrowed from my sis.. Chinese men walking around in the long robes and pigtails.
Life has never been better.
*tIng sniggers.*Could not concentrate at work yesterday.. My mind kept replaying the words he said to me. I tried to push those thoughts away. Tried to convince myself those are not real. But somehow, they kept forcing themselves on me.
I nearly gave up the other day. Couldn't bear to hold me in my arms cause i was afraid that i might not be able to let him go. But i knew i should not be selfish. If i really loved him, i should not force him to be with me just to make me happy.
So i let him go.
I watched him from a distance. We stared at each other for some time. Familiar yet we felt like strangers. Maybe i shouldn't have fallen in love with him in the first place. Maybe i should not have let down my guard and believe in love again. Maybe if i have not seen the way he fought to be with me, i would have left him in peace
I don't remember what happened after that. But i knew if i let him go, i will never fall in love again. Because he made me believe love can be so real. But if he's gone, i wouldn't be able to feel again. I'll just live my life as i did before him.
Empty inside. Cold and alone. Superficial flings with men who do not even care a damm thing about me. I didn't see a need to feel for them. They are not real.
But he's different.
Do you think i'm wrong? Danny told me the other day maybe he's not ready to settle down. He asked me what do i want? I said i wanted to be with him. Danny told me to get real. If he's not looking for the same thing as me, i'll be hurt. He said it was better to jump out of the well before i fall too deep. Its only a few months.. Yes.. It'll hurt. But its better for both of us in the long run.
I don't know what to say.
Danny may not be the smartest guy i know. He may not be rich either. Dropped out of school.. Gang fights.. But he always knew what kind of relationship he wanted. He's the other guy i know who is actually looking towards marriage.
IN PRIMARY SIX.
Seeing him like this makes me feel so ashamed of myself. I never knew what i wanted. Relationships were just being together and having fun. How shallow was i.
Maybe i should really think about what i want.
Its raining now and i'm alone at home. Maybe i should ask some friends out.
*considers* Maybe not. I don't really feel like talking to people now. Lately, it seems, vcds are my best friends. They are there whenever and where ever i want them to be. I can stop them as and when i please. Its so much fun.
Does it mean i'm becoming autistic?
A psychiatric disorder of childhood characterized by marked deficits in communication and social interaction, preoccupation with fantasy, language impairment, and abnormal behavior, such as repetitive acts and excessive attachment to certain objects. It is usually associated with intellectual impairment.
Haha.. Does Excessive attachment to Vcds and deficits in communication and social interaction sound familiar? Next stop... Loony town..
*tIng put on a straight jacket.*Alright.. I'm just joking. I'm not crazy. No wait.. I'm serious. I'm not crazy..
loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.
