Lately, i've been trying my best to organise my thoughts so as to blog better. However, something at the back of my mind keeps stopping me from doing so. What it is?

I guess its largely due to the fact that people i know are reading my blog and because of that, i cant blog as freely as i used to. I could no longer write about how i truly feel about certain issues and people for the fear that my words may upset them. Therefore, i try my best to sugar-coat my feelings and try my best to be diplomatic towards everyone.

Then i realised.. There no longer a need for keeping this blog since it no longer reflects me.

It has been about year since i've started this blog. Most of the entries are sad and about my love life. Since i've decided to start anew, i've decided to move my blog to another address. I hope that by doing so, i'll be able to leave these unhappy and very unwanted memories behind me. I hope my new blog will reflect more of me as a person rather than a sugar coated one.

Good luck to me..

loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.

loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.

There are times in life when things happen in a relationship and you'll realise things are never the same anymore. Its like once the paper's crumpled up, it cant be perfect again. From then, things either get better and feelings grow stronger or people may become less attracted/needy/unfeeling towards their other half. Seriously, i don't know which case i prefer things to turn out.

So i told myself... Either way, you'll still die alone. That made me feel abit better.


loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.

Been kinda busy these days.. Work is getting real hard and i'm trying my best to try to get things done. I miss Daphane. I miss how she always tells me that work is never ending and how is should do more thing for me and not for the company.

Daphane.. If you see this post.. Mail me.. Where the hell have you been?!! &%$^&^%^**

Life's really weird. Sailor and and i just go on as though nothing happened. Its as though we never had an arguement or never attempted to break up. *shrugs* But i guess from all this, its a reminder to me that i should not let another person be the focus of my life. No one's gonna be there when i fall. I came to this world alone and i'll most likely die alone. *shrugs*

Been thinking about the song Kelly (Superstar) sang during the Finals. Its called "Bei Ai De Nu Ren". I like the lyrics.. Kinda reflects how i feel right now.. Especially the last line.. "Wo bu shi mei chi shi lian hou, dou neng cong xin zai lai".

*tIng sighs.*

If one day, Sailor boy really leaves me, I dont think i'll put myself out there and believe in love. Seeking something that's I cant see or touch is not as practical as getting cash. I'm sorry for being so cold and unfeeling. But that's the way things are right now.

Right now i only have one thought..... $30k..

I want to reach that target. I'm determined to hit that target. I'll prove to people i can do it. Sometimes, i feel that people at work don't really like me. Maybe its because the other new comer is not really very good so everyone is more protective towards her. Whereas on the other hand, i'm coping "too well". So well that i've gotten a very big client within my 1st month. I didn't ask for it. I so happened to pick up the phone at the right time. But anyway, i'm not there to make friends. I'm just there to do my work.. Earn the cash and get out ASAP.

You'll think freedom is a precious thing but what's freedom to me when i don't feel chained in the first place?! Life's ironic, isn't it? If there's one place i have to name as a paradise in Singapore, i would say its my fave pub. No one knows about that pub except me and the person who brought me there. Its soo quiet that no one in my circle never heard of it. I'm selfish and i wun say where it is. I like to think of it as my special place.

Its been a long time since i've been there..

I miss it..

loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.

Just back from a much need (and much put off) run.. Felt good to clear my mind for a while and concentrate on nothing but going forward. I guess too much happened lately and i've been so numb to feel alive.


This time, its different. I did not cry. I did not scream. I did not, for the first time, try to kill myself. I'm kinda numb to everything i guess. I saw it coming too. I knew a part of me die when he said those words to me.

I was angry. Angry at him for making me believe he was ready to settle down with me. Angry at myself for letting me make that mistake of falling into love again and trusting him. I'm angry at him for going back on his words within like 3 months. I'm angry at myself cause i should have listen to my inner voice.

So i forced myself to stop loving him. Its easier once you know he doesn't love you. I just shut him out of my life. Its better this way. I've been hurt enough and i certainly don't need another man to do it to me again.

Danny says i should get a tattoo to ease the pain. He's so like me. We both use pain to help us feel better when we are upset. I'm going to see his tattoo artist soon. Just need to decide on the design. When i told Danny that i wanted to pierce my nipple, he freaked out.

*tIng laughs.*

I don't think i'm going to do that. But if i ever decide to poke myself again, i'm going to do my neck. Just one stud on the back of the neck. I love the way it looks. But then again, i don't have the money and i'll most likely going to lose my job.

*tIng frowns.*

Haiz.. I don't think i'll be able to hide it. Esp since i've sort of decided that i'm going to cut my hair reall short.. just like a BOY.. I don't think i need long hair now that i'm single again. The only reason i kept it long was because Sailor boy didn't like me to have short hair. But now, i guess it doesn't really matter anymore.

I've come to the conclusion that i might as well just spend the rest of my life alone. I spent the last 3 months going round in circles only to come back to the same point.


Its too tiring to start dating anyone again. I mean, whats the point of trying so hard when they are all going to leave you? Men are selfish creatures. They want you to love them even when they don't want to love you back. This isn't fair. Come to think of it, nothing's really fair these days.

I think love is like a cup of coffee. If you don't drink it while its hot, its just turn cold and sour. Like me. He kept running from me and in the end, i turned cold and numb to whatever he do. I just shut him out.

I think i'll just wait for Kongkong to come back. NO.. there's nothing between us. Its just that he's one person i feel really comfortable with. Cause i know all the hurt and pain are all gone and what's left is just friendship. Kong said that if we are single and working, we should get an apartment. And on Fridays nights, we'll throw parties at home. On Sundays, we'll just laze around and be bored. Or on the other hand, we could take trips around. Exploring places like they way we always did. I told him.. Fine.. we can be room-mates but he cant say anything if i bring guys over or he brings gals over. *laughs* I wouldn't be surprised if he starts his naughty nonsense again.

Hmm.. Maybe i should fix him up with Daphane or Candice then. Since i like the both of them alot, maybe he'll like them too. And seriously, i think he'll like Candice. Hmm.. i don't know.. Maybe we have different taste in women. *shrugs*

I always thought i'll move in with Danny when i grow up. But i think he's too happy with his gf and i'll only be a lightbulb in their lives. I saw the way he looked at her that day. The way he kept saying things like "Isn't she so pretty?" or "Isn't she just amazing?" Yes.. He DID SAY THAT. And i knew that's the kind of relationship i want. Still in love even after 3 years! 3 FREAKING YEARS.


*tIng sighs.*

Is there something so fundamentally wrong with me? Am i so unlovable? Do i not deserve love? I don't think so. I don't think i deserve anything less than 100%. I'm a nice person. I give my seats to needy people. I don't smoke. I'm nice to people most of the time. So why am i not getting the things i want?


I made myself a little happier today. I went for my manicure and pedicure. And i also went to do my eyebrows.


Anyway, i think the only relationship i'll be having will be with me. No one loves me more than me. And only me knows what me wants all the time. If there's only one person you could love in your life, i going to love ME. =P


loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.

Saturday... 1.19pm. Thunderstorm outside.

Was supposed to go to work this morning but i woke up with a terrible pain in my stomach so i msg J to tell her i'm not going back to the office, i'll make up for the hours next week.

Rested the whole morning.. watched the chinese serial drama that i borrowed from my sis.. Chinese men walking around in the long robes and pigtails.


*tIng sniggers.*

Could not concentrate at work yesterday.. My mind kept replaying the words he said to me. I tried to push those thoughts away. Tried to convince myself those are not real. But somehow, they kept forcing themselves on me.

I nearly gave up the other day. Couldn't bear to hold me in my arms cause i was afraid that i might not be able to let him go. But i knew i should not be selfish. If i really loved him, i should not force him to be with me just to make me happy.

So i let him go.

I watched him from a distance. We stared at each other for some time. Familiar yet we felt like strangers. Maybe i shouldn't have fallen in love with him in the first place. Maybe i should not have let down my guard and believe in love again. Maybe if i have not seen the way he fought to be with me, i would have left him in peace

I don't remember what happened after that. But i knew if i let him go, i will never fall in love again. Because he made me believe love can be so real. But if he's gone, i wouldn't be able to feel again. I'll just live my life as i did before him.

Empty inside. Cold and alone. Superficial flings with men who do not even care a damm thing about me. I didn't see a need to feel for them. They are not real.


Do you think i'm wrong? Danny told me the other day maybe he's not ready to settle down. He asked me what do i want? I said i wanted to be with him. Danny told me to get real. If he's not looking for the same thing as me, i'll be hurt. He said it was better to jump out of the well before i fall too deep. Its only a few months.. Yes.. It'll hurt. But its better for both of us in the long run.


Danny may not be the smartest guy i know. He may not be rich either. Dropped out of school.. Gang fights.. But he always knew what kind of relationship he wanted. He's the other guy i know who is actually looking towards marriage.


Seeing him like this makes me feel so ashamed of myself. I never knew what i wanted. Relationships were just being together and having fun. How shallow was i.


Its raining now and i'm alone at home. Maybe i should ask some friends out. *considers* Maybe not. I don't really feel like talking to people now. Lately, it seems, vcds are my best friends. They are there whenever and where ever i want them to be. I can stop them as and when i please. Its so much fun.


A psychiatric disorder of childhood characterized by marked deficits in communication and social interaction, preoccupation with fantasy, language impairment, and abnormal behavior, such as repetitive acts and excessive attachment to certain objects. It is usually associated with intellectual impairment.

Haha.. Does Excessive attachment to Vcds and deficits in communication and social interaction sound familiar? Next stop... Loony town..

*tIng put on a straight jacket.*

Alright.. I'm just joking. I'm not crazy. No wait.. I'm serious. I'm not crazy..

loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.

I'm blogging again. Finally. How long has it been i have no idea... I'm sorry i've been away but i guess life caught up with me and left me with no choice but to spend more time in the real world out there.


I've switched to an office job now. Given a choice, i wouldn't have taken it up. But i put my love ones before. This job is what my mum considers as a decent job. I guess she thinks that retail positions are not good enough. *sighs* I took up this job cause i was hoping to spend more time with Sailor boy. You know.. office hours.. weekends off.. I thought we could spend more time with each other.

*tIng sighs again.*

I still hope one day i'll go back to retail. But i don't see it happening any time soon. Well.. at least not in the next 5 years.

I feel fustrated. I feel upset. I don't like the life i'm in. I don't like the things i'm doing. Sometimes, i wonder why am i doing all this shit. I hate my clothes. I hate all the paper work.


I'm just whining again. I know for a fact i cant give up now. I cant quit now!


Things are tough these 2 days. Argued with Sailor boy over something very stupid, which resulted in us not barely talking. He's not eager to meet me. I feel like i've commited some kind of unforgivable crime. I'm working late for 3 whole days. Just an excuse for me not to go home and face the 4 empty walls.

*tIng tries to drown herself with paperwork.*

Who know what will happen if i carry on like this? Maybe one day, some kind person will discover the remains of tIng under a pile of resumes and contracts? I bet they'll have to dig real deep to find me.

Got alot of shit at work. Screwed up my interview with my candidate. Screwed by my team leader. Then, as if things cant get any worse, my candidate refused to go for the interview... Did not answer my calls..


Bad things always comes in threes.. This should end NOW.


loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.