I think a selfish person. I care too much about myself. All i wanted to do was to protect myself from getting hurt. Even at the expense of hurting others in the process.

Like yesterday when Sailor boy and i had an arguement. He lied to me (TOTALLY HIS FAULT) and went clubbing behind my back.



I'm very fine with him clubbing without me. But lying? Lying to clubbing doubles the sin. Because i've been through it before. As i sat alone in the train station, everything came back to me. Its like seeing and hearing those words that bastard did and said to me.


Fear. Fear that Sailor boy is just like him. Fear that i'll be hurt again and again. I'm selfish. So i wanted to run away from him. As a matter of fact, i run away from anyone who hurts me. I mean, other than myself, of course.

I felt it again. Those times in my life when rage formed inside me and all i really wanted to do is to hurt myself physically to distract myself from the pain inside me. I think i have problems controlling my rage. I sat at the train station for hours. Cant stand being alone. So i sat there. The people passing by calms me down a little. Cause i know, for certain, i cant hurt myself when there's too many people around. I needed company. Otherwise, i don't know what the fuck i'll do again.


Sometimes, i wonder if i'm better off seeing a shrink. Or rather, maybe i should find some avenues to vent all the anger in me. Like an empty cup, i just take everything in. One day, i know the cup will overflow.


Maybe the reason why i cant control my rage is because no one ever taught me to. No one told me i shouldn't hurt myself when i'm hurting on the inside. Like yesterday, i dug my nails into my flesh and i felt so much better. I think Sailor boy is very poor thing. He has to endure all my crazy acts. And he never gave up on me. NEVER. Why? I don't know. I don't think of myself as very VERY wonderful gf. I'm not extremely pretty or nice like his ex or sheena. (<-- Point to note, i dont feel that sheena's very pretty. She's just thin. And like what my guy friends would say.. Fuck bamboo.. No offence though) All i see in me are my flaws. My flawed character. I always ask him why he even bothers hanging on. *shrugs*

I'm always jealous of other people with so many friends. Sailor boy has lots of friends. Secondary sch friends, poly friends, navy friends.. Sometimes, i get jealous. I want friends too. I wished i had friends whom i can count on. But when i look through my phone book, i cant seem to find someone to call when i'm in need. *wonders*


People don't know much about me. Nobody knew i had dyslexia. That explains why all the mistakes i make in my blog. I didn't acknowledge this until Sailor boy pointed out that i read the mag wrongly. "Why i was my boyfriend's ATM" became "Why i was my boyfriends AIM" Its not that i cant see. But somewhere inside my brain, words and numbers get mixed up.



Well, thats not a problem at all. In fact, alot of smart people have dyslexia.



loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.