loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.

I think a selfish person. I care too much about myself. All i wanted to do was to protect myself from getting hurt. Even at the expense of hurting others in the process.

Like yesterday when Sailor boy and i had an arguement. He lied to me (TOTALLY HIS FAULT) and went clubbing behind my back.



I'm very fine with him clubbing without me. But lying? Lying to clubbing doubles the sin. Because i've been through it before. As i sat alone in the train station, everything came back to me. Its like seeing and hearing those words that bastard did and said to me.


Fear. Fear that Sailor boy is just like him. Fear that i'll be hurt again and again. I'm selfish. So i wanted to run away from him. As a matter of fact, i run away from anyone who hurts me. I mean, other than myself, of course.

I felt it again. Those times in my life when rage formed inside me and all i really wanted to do is to hurt myself physically to distract myself from the pain inside me. I think i have problems controlling my rage. I sat at the train station for hours. Cant stand being alone. So i sat there. The people passing by calms me down a little. Cause i know, for certain, i cant hurt myself when there's too many people around. I needed company. Otherwise, i don't know what the fuck i'll do again.


Sometimes, i wonder if i'm better off seeing a shrink. Or rather, maybe i should find some avenues to vent all the anger in me. Like an empty cup, i just take everything in. One day, i know the cup will overflow.


Maybe the reason why i cant control my rage is because no one ever taught me to. No one told me i shouldn't hurt myself when i'm hurting on the inside. Like yesterday, i dug my nails into my flesh and i felt so much better. I think Sailor boy is very poor thing. He has to endure all my crazy acts. And he never gave up on me. NEVER. Why? I don't know. I don't think of myself as very VERY wonderful gf. I'm not extremely pretty or nice like his ex or sheena. (<-- Point to note, i dont feel that sheena's very pretty. She's just thin. And like what my guy friends would say.. Fuck bamboo.. No offence though) All i see in me are my flaws. My flawed character. I always ask him why he even bothers hanging on. *shrugs*

I'm always jealous of other people with so many friends. Sailor boy has lots of friends. Secondary sch friends, poly friends, navy friends.. Sometimes, i get jealous. I want friends too. I wished i had friends whom i can count on. But when i look through my phone book, i cant seem to find someone to call when i'm in need. *wonders*


People don't know much about me. Nobody knew i had dyslexia. That explains why all the mistakes i make in my blog. I didn't acknowledge this until Sailor boy pointed out that i read the mag wrongly. "Why i was my boyfriend's ATM" became "Why i was my boyfriends AIM" Its not that i cant see. But somewhere inside my brain, words and numbers get mixed up.



Well, thats not a problem at all. In fact, alot of smart people have dyslexia.



loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.

Couple of things to update about my life..

Durffy's not doing very well. He's paralysed from neck down. But we (mum, sis & I) have absolutely no plan to put him down. No way. Its not an option. Mum brought Durffy to the temple the other day and the "shifu", upon seeing Durffy's condition, decided to convert him to Buddhist.


*tIng sayang Durffy.*

He even got a new toy from the temple. Its a little thingy that plays buddhist chants. All the efforts are supposed to help Durffy to be reborn a human instead of an animal in his next life. I told Durffy the other night that if he should be reborn, he should come back as my son. I told my mum this and she told me that they are usually reborn within 49 days after their death.

*tIng faints and foams at the mouth.*

This mean should Durffy leave us one day, i'll have less than 49 days to get myself pregnant! Gosh.. So stressful! Told Sailor about this and asked him if he's feeling the pressure. His reply? "Don't worry, i think i can produce lots of sperms."

Looks like i'm the one feeling all the pressure. Men have it sooo easy, don't they?

I must remember to thank this reader of my sis's blog. He/she, upon reading about Durffy's condition, gave us money for his treatment. I'm deeply grateful for his kindness. Now we can get Durffy a new pram! I'm gonna bring him to Pasir Ris park for walks!

Talking about this, we'll moving soon.. Very soon... Will be out of my aunt's place by the end of next week. Not much things to move to my new place. I came here with a box. I'm leaving with the same box. *shrugs*

Went for 4 interviews yesterday.. Quite interested in the Advertising firm.. They are offering $2k during training and after confirmation.. $2.8k!

*tIng drools at the thought of all the $$$$$$.*

Wow.. i think i can do alot of stuff with all the money. New furniture.. new tv.. *slurps*

So many things changed within this month... I hope i make it through this.

loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.

loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.

There are times in my life when i feel absolutely alone and i like it. Its just one of those days when i like to avoid human contact. And this includes my mum.

There are reasons why i don't really feel close to my mum. As i've mentioned before, our relationship became very distant after i starting working. Especially since we don't see each other much due to different working hours. And there are times when i really wonder what does she think of me? Like this afternoon for example. I dragged myself to the temple for her even though i've hardly slept for the past 2 days. But when she introduced my sister and I to other people, she just went on and on about my sister being a journalist from SPH.

Yes. I know.. On the surface, it sounds like a very important and decent job. And i can tell from my mum's tone, she's really proud of my sister. I am too. But she didn't even bother to introduce me or what i do. I know the sales line is not what my mum considers as "decent". But hey, its paying alot of stuff ok.

Even though i'm not a uni graduate or whatsoever, i'm still her daughter ok. And reasons why i'm not in uni? I'm don't have the FUCKING MONEY. But anyway, i knows she doesn't mean it. I try not to take it to heart. But it happened so many fucking times. I guess i should be numb to it by now right?! So i walked off after everything by myself. Went to PS alone to watch a movie. I'm happy being alone. Fucking hell, i simply enjoy my own company.

I didn't pick up all their calls today. Just don't feel like talking to any of them. I'm afraid i might blow up or break down. Either way, its a goner.

*tIng shrugs and walks off.*

Just leave me alone.

loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.

My dog, Durffy, is dying too. He has lung cancer.

*tIng lets out a bitter laugh.*

How ironic. If this is God's way of telling that i should give up hope on everything else now, he has done it. I'm losing hope in everything. How many more pain must he put me through before he's satisfied? Does he really want to see me broken into pieces?

*tIng's eyes fills up with tears.*


He can put as many obstacles as he like. I don't give a damm about it. I'll stay and fight him. I wun give up hope. I can give up anything and everything.


No life will be worth living without Hope. And i will not be reduced to a empty shell without a soul. Even when everything around me threatens to fall apart, i will still stand here.


loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.

This post below may contain explicit content and strong language. Those with a weak heart may wish to switch to a more friendly site. Parental Guidance is strongly advised.


*tIng puts on her thinking cap and sticks an imaginary cigarette to her mouth.*

Its late. Its 12.28am right now and i'm still job hunting.

That's right. I'm a soon-to-be-jobless gal.

*tIng weeps.*

KNNCCB. The stupid mother-fucker auntie (my lady boss's mum) spoke ill of me to my lady boss. In the end, everything i kanna. And i lost my job.


*tIng points her left 3rd finger.*

Nabehz.. She think i young easy to bully right? Damm hell she's wrong! She blardy fuck chose the wrong gal. I gave the the ATTITUDE right back at her face! *points right 3rd finger* She think just because she's older she can talk nonsense and cause me my job.

*tIng uses a pair of pilers and pulls Auntie's nails out ONE by ONE. Then she takes out a knife and slices Auntie into many thin pieces. tIng then uses the knife to dismember Auntie, chucking her limbs into big black plastic bags. tIng takes out a shove from her tool bag and starts digging a hole in the ground below her. She carries what's left of Auntie's body and buries her, leaving only Auntie's head exposed to the surface. tIng takes out jar of honey and drizzle it over Auntie's head. Ants starts to crawl all over Auntie's face.*

KNNCCB. She make me sooo KNN DU LAN till I wanna slap her and tell her to SHUT HER CHEEBYE mouth up. This is the very first time i screamed at an old folk. Usually, i'm a very nice person. I stand up to give my seat to an elderly on the train or bus. I'll help them cross the road if they need help.


But that doesn't mean you can bully me! Auntie thinks she can gangster me cause she's the lady boss's mum. She's FUCKING WRONG!! tIng doesn't gives a damm about who you are! You bully me, you'll get it from me.

*tIng kicks Auntie's honey-coated head twice.*


I'll NOT allow myself to terrorised by gangster Aunties. I'll NOT suffer in silence anymore. It's time to fight back and stand up for myself. Enough is enough!

*tIng coos to Auntie: "So you still wanna tell tales about me? Or do you wanna beg for mercy?"


*tIng pulls Auntie's hair and slaps her repeatedly.*
I wish i can do that in real life. But the sanity part of me tells me if i do that, i'll never be able to:

1) Enjoy my monthly pedicure
2) Wear nice colourful undies (Black & White are not colours)
3) Shower with hot water
4) Wear pretty earrings
5) Wear nice heels

For the sake of all the above, i shall let Auntie live a couple more years. I'm not worried about revenge. Karma... Karma...


loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.

Here i am sitting in front of my sis's laptop blogging.


Should have blogged long ago about certain things but i kept putting it off i'm not really sure of how to put my feelings into word. Feelings that i cant come to terms with.


I don't know how to react to this. When my mum told me over the phone, i was thrown into confusion. I blanked. Really. I didn't feel sad straight away. It took awhile to sink in.


No cure. Nothing can be done. No one knew she had cancer. Not even my uncles and aunties who see her everyday. What the fuck? How am i going to deal with it?

I sat and thought about it. I thought about those times i spent with my grandma and all the stories she told me (in Hokkien) about the WW2 and Lee Kwuan Yew. (<-- He's one of my grandma's fave... loves to talk about him).


I'm losing her and i can do nothing about it. I'm going to see her fade away from me. I'll have to watch her die day by day. Slowly. Unlike my grandfather who died suddenly. I don't know which is worse/better.

Watching a loved one die slowly or having them leave you suddenly.

Both happened to me. I guess both are jus as difficult. Not being about to say goodbye to my grandfather was very upsetting. Watching my grandma die and not being about to do anything about it just sucks.


Just as i am helpless against alot of the other things in life. I'm pissed. I knew i need to do something for my grandma. So i bought her a bracelet made of beads from Tibet. It was supposed to have healing powers. I wanted to her to have it so that when she's going through treatment she'll not suffer so much pain. My grandma didn't have a very good life. She came from China years ago when she was a young girl. She didn't know her birthday cause back then in China girls weren't very important. Neither was their birthdays. All she knew was her birth year. She's 82 this year. She couldn't read or write her name. But grandma was a very strong and capable woman. She brought up her children and ran a prawn noodles store. Even when she was old, she took buses and trains to all over Singapore to look for her friends.


I used to marveled at the amount of energy my grandma has. I suspect that she knew more bus routes than me or my sis.


*tIng pulls her hair.*

What else can i do? What the fuck can i do? Can someone please tell me?

loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.

I've never felt more miserable in my life. I'm cold. I'm very hungry. And my heels are hurting me.

Finished work ard 8.30pm. Had this very ugly fight with Sailor Boy over sms. He told me he didn't know what the fuck i want and told me to stop msging him for a moment. So i did.

He wanted to pick me up.. i told him i don't wish to see him (which of course like all gals, i'm being stubborn) But at 8.30pm.. No sight of him. I walked Irene to Watsons to get her body lotion, hoping he'll show. Still no sight of him.

Walked to the bus stop.. Or i should correct myself.. I limped to the bus stop. 8.39pm.. Sailor Boy is with his friends at Bugis. No reply sent to him. (He told me not to msg him for a moment. He didn't define how long was a moment.) *shrugs*

Got on the bus.. Very hungry.. Felt like eating chicken congee but didn't wan to eat alone. Felt like crying but i cant for a few reasons. One, I don't have tissues. Two, my mascara will smudge. Three, i'm in public only crazy people cry in public. Four, i cant go home with my eyes red. My mum will be worried.

I have to stop.

loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.