I'm moving AGAIN. The keys to my new flat will be collected on July 25th.


I cant wait till the day we move so that i can:

1) Enjoy walking around NAKED in MY ROOM.
2) Enjoy blasting music in my room when i'm NAKED.
3) Sleep NAKED, while blasting music in MY ROOM.
4) Surf net when i'm NAKED in MY ROOM.
5) Admire my NAKED body in MY ROOM

See.. this is why i need a room to myself.. I need the freedom to be about to express myself physically. I'm such an exhibitionist. *tsk tsk*

Anyway, i've already thought about how my room should look. Blood red walls.. Just a table a bookshelf, cupboard and my bed. A small mosaic mirror prehaps? I'll like my new room better. I never liked my previous room.

Seriously, i liked the idea of moving. I never felt anything for the old apartment. I didn't grow up there. No childhood memories. All memories there are dark and somehow painful. Painful past of growing up with literally no friends. Afternoons i spent alone in my room. Nights i spent lying awake in my bed till i hear the sounds of buses coming from below. Times i spent banging my head against the wall, trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with me. Times i stabbed the table with a craving knife cause i couldn't find other ways to vent the anger in me. (thankfully i was cowardice that i did not stab myself.)


People i know always talked about their friends from their school days. I never talked about my school friends. I never talked about how i used to hide in the toilet during recess cause i was too afraid to go out. I never talked about the senior gals who threatened to beat me up in school. I never told anyone about the times my heart pounded quickly the minute i stepped into the school.


All these time, i kept myself very far away from everyone. Even my family. In my poly days, i was constantly working. I rarely had time to spend with my parents. I was too busy with work and studies. Too tired when i reached home to even carry out a conversation. I can see why i never felt close to my family like the way i did when i was young. 7 years is a long time. Working since i was 18 years old not only made me financially independent but emotionally independent as well. I don't run to my mum when things go wrong. I don't cry in front of her when my relationships failed. I dont't go to her when i'm feeling exhausted physically and mentally.


Its not like they were not there for me. I just didn't think it was necessary to go to them. Its actually my choice. My way of handling my stuff. I don't think mum will handle my suicide attempts very well if i ever told her. I have a feeling tht she might want to send me to a shrink again. She almost did that when i was Sec 3. She cant handle my emotions.

I don't think they'll understand the fact that i don't need them emotionally. In fact, i think me not needing them emotionally resulted in me not being about to feel as much for them as i would like to. 7 years i've spent emotionally distant from my family. Did i have i choice? *considers seriously*

If i was given a chance to turn back time, i wouldn't change a single thing. Like i've always said, my experiences made me a stronger person. Made me who i am today. I'm happy being who i am.

Now, i'm leaving the past behind. A brand new start. No more crying alone in the middle of the night. No more feeling of intense anger or extreme saddness. I'm looking forward to moving.

loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.