Things have been hellish this week. Not being able to see Sailor boy was one thing. Sharing him with lots of other people over the weekend is another. I should be awfully happy that he's spending the whole of Sunday with me. So taking into consideration 2 hours today and maybe like 10 hours on Sunday, that's like about 1/3 of the weekend.


*tIng shrugs.*

Tore the back pocket of my jeans today. *sighs* Its really sucky. I refuse to get a new pair of jeans so i'm down to just ONE good pair. Not because i cant afford them but i just rather save the money for more important things like new washing machine and fridge for the new flat or the paint for walls.. Damm i hate rich brats who don't have to worry about money. Being about to buy whatever you want.. Change new handphones.. Buy lots of fun stuff when i have to work my ASS OFF for those measly bit of commission.


Work..... morale is low cause sales is bad and the thought of all the bills, new specs for mum and blah blah blah is just accumulating to form a very big snowball that's gonna fall on me anytime. Felt very weak physically throughout the whole of this week.. No longer coughing in the night but feverish and light-headed during the day and my tonsils are swelling. Maybe i'm just tired. I dumped the thought of going to the doctor's cause i don't think that will be very helpful. Its jus a waste of time and money. Especially when the clinic is NOT near my aunt's place. I'm not going to travel ALL the way to Simei. No way.


I'm going to be like those old and alone aunties. I rather die at home. *laughs out loud* I don't really mean that. I'm joking.

*tIng lies flat on her bed.*


loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.

I'm moving AGAIN. The keys to my new flat will be collected on July 25th.


I cant wait till the day we move so that i can:

1) Enjoy walking around NAKED in MY ROOM.
2) Enjoy blasting music in my room when i'm NAKED.
3) Sleep NAKED, while blasting music in MY ROOM.
4) Surf net when i'm NAKED in MY ROOM.
5) Admire my NAKED body in MY ROOM

See.. this is why i need a room to myself.. I need the freedom to be about to express myself physically. I'm such an exhibitionist. *tsk tsk*

Anyway, i've already thought about how my room should look. Blood red walls.. Just a table a bookshelf, cupboard and my bed. A small mosaic mirror prehaps? I'll like my new room better. I never liked my previous room.

Seriously, i liked the idea of moving. I never felt anything for the old apartment. I didn't grow up there. No childhood memories. All memories there are dark and somehow painful. Painful past of growing up with literally no friends. Afternoons i spent alone in my room. Nights i spent lying awake in my bed till i hear the sounds of buses coming from below. Times i spent banging my head against the wall, trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with me. Times i stabbed the table with a craving knife cause i couldn't find other ways to vent the anger in me. (thankfully i was cowardice that i did not stab myself.)


People i know always talked about their friends from their school days. I never talked about my school friends. I never talked about how i used to hide in the toilet during recess cause i was too afraid to go out. I never talked about the senior gals who threatened to beat me up in school. I never told anyone about the times my heart pounded quickly the minute i stepped into the school.


All these time, i kept myself very far away from everyone. Even my family. In my poly days, i was constantly working. I rarely had time to spend with my parents. I was too busy with work and studies. Too tired when i reached home to even carry out a conversation. I can see why i never felt close to my family like the way i did when i was young. 7 years is a long time. Working since i was 18 years old not only made me financially independent but emotionally independent as well. I don't run to my mum when things go wrong. I don't cry in front of her when my relationships failed. I dont't go to her when i'm feeling exhausted physically and mentally.


Its not like they were not there for me. I just didn't think it was necessary to go to them. Its actually my choice. My way of handling my stuff. I don't think mum will handle my suicide attempts very well if i ever told her. I have a feeling tht she might want to send me to a shrink again. She almost did that when i was Sec 3. She cant handle my emotions.

I don't think they'll understand the fact that i don't need them emotionally. In fact, i think me not needing them emotionally resulted in me not being about to feel as much for them as i would like to. 7 years i've spent emotionally distant from my family. Did i have i choice? *considers seriously*

If i was given a chance to turn back time, i wouldn't change a single thing. Like i've always said, my experiences made me a stronger person. Made me who i am today. I'm happy being who i am.

Now, i'm leaving the past behind. A brand new start. No more crying alone in the middle of the night. No more feeling of intense anger or extreme saddness. I'm looking forward to moving.

loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.

Jus reached home from dinner with Sally and Yanwen.

*tIng wipes beads of sweat off her forehead.*

What can i say? Its is definately the most awkward situation i've gotten myself into. *sighs*


I cant face her.. I cant even look at her straight in the face without thinking about Sailor boy. I was staring at my food and the table!

*tIng slams her head against the table.*

HOW ON EARTH DID I GET MYSELF IN THIS SITUATION?

There was nothing to talk about. Nothing. I cant bitch about my love life cause my love life happens to involve her ex-bf. Dinner was like this:


*tIng bangs her head against the wall repeatedly.*

It was like there was a PINK ELEPHANT in the room but we CANT TALK ABOUT IT. We all know whats going on between me, Sailor boy and Sally. But we just avoided the topic. I cant bring it up. Neither did Sally bring it up. So we just pretended nothing was WRONG. In fact, i've pretended nothing was wrong for the past few weeks. Despite constant nagging from Yanwen, Steph and Daphane, i simply put of the idea of telling Sally anything about Sailor boy and me. What can i say? I couldn't find my balls and i cringed at the idea of telling her.

And its fucking hell torturing me. Until today........

I'm begining to wonder how long i can carry on doing this.. Seriously having doubts about my current state of mind. If love makes a person crazy, i think i already am going out of my mind. As a matter of fact, i not only going out of my mind. I'm falling APART.

*tIng knocks herself with a hammer, breaking up into a million pieces.*

I was close to the point of crumbling... After Sally and Yanwen took off seperately after our dinner, i tried hard to breathe again.


I was almost sure that i was going to get one of those panic attacks again.. Those times when you suddenly start to panic for no apparent reasons. Feeling that you are under attack. I get those every once in a while.

*tIng tells herself: "Calm down...Its only psychological. Its all in your head only."*

Sat at the kerb of the road for awhile before i managed to calm down enough to call mum to pick me up. And I made it home..


loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.

There are some days when i feel that i'm being consumed by boredom.


I need to find something to do. A new piercing perhaps?

*tIng examines her right ear.*

I think there's room for ONE more stud.. Jus ONE more.. I would have pierced my nipples long LONG LONG time ago but after some considerations on the effect it might have on my future kids, i gave up that idea. You wouldn't think that more holes meant easier breast feeding, would you? *raises her eyebrow*

Anyway, Sailor boy is nowhere near land. He was supposed to be on LAND ard 7pm. But right now, he's still floating SOMEWHERE.... OUT THERE, in the middle of WHO KNOWS WHERE!

*tIng shrugs and pouts*

Its hard dating a sailor. Especially when there's not mobile reception on South China Sea.


But i guess its kinda good that he's not around that much. Its makes us treasure the times we have together. Not wanting to waste any minute or second that we are together. I think we wun take each other for granted, like other couples..


loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.