There are times when people are confused by who i am. They don't really know me as in know me very well enough as a person. I sometimes find it hard to confide in anyone. Since a very long time ago, i've kept myself emotionally distant from almost all of my friends. Like what Jon says, i'm a very superficial friend. But that's the way i've let things become over the last 7-8 years of my life. I cant say that its healthy to keep me emotionally distant from you. But for me, its jus a "wall" that i've been hiding behind. Its sort of like my only protection from the outside world, which sometimes can be very strange and cold. I do not expect people to want to enter my world. I don't. I've very much learnt not to be dependent on anyone emotionally. Neither am i responsible for their feelings as well. That's the way i liked it. Alone. Numb.

*tIng shakes her head.*

I always knew i should be trusting myself with my feelings. I always knew i should not bottle things inside me. I always knew this "wall" thingy was a problem. But up till now, its very much MY PROBELM. I don't expect people to come help me solve my problem. It already took me alot to finally admit i have a problem. I've been very much in denial, refusing to acknowledge the fact that my problem is A PROBLEM. So now, finally after so many years, i've clean with myself.

*tIng shouts out loud, "I HAVE A FUCKING TRUST PROBLEM!"*

My lack of self-esteem is often masked by my loud laughs, crappy talks, my thick make-up and all the cheerful side of me. Its true that i don't feel very comfortable with the way i am. So i try not to let other people see the weaker side of me. I jus simply don't wish to get hurt. When Jon started saying things like he wants me to be his good friend, i am very much surprised and puzzled. What is a good friend? I've never been a good friend. I'm always a very superficial. I ask my friends very simple questions like "Have you eaten?", "Hows work/school?" etc. I don't mind knowing more about their lives. I'll love to be around to listen to them when they have problems. But i jus don't enjoy telling them about me. Anything about me was kept as simple as possible.

Friends do not need to know for a fact that i'm highly suicidal, sometimes depressed or in all other words, insane.

If i ever decides to kill myself, don't be upset for me. You are not responsible for my feelings.

I'm not a complete person, at least right now i'm not. I'm not quite sure who i am. Lacking in what i do not really know. I guess i'll have to find things out for myself. I can try opening up to friends. I'm trying. I've been talking to Sally and Yanwen about stuff. I've been trying to make up for what was lacking in our so called friendship. Its not as if i will walk out from behind my wall immediately. No. Its jus impossible to do so. Its hard hiding behind a mask all day. But i cant help it. I don't wish to appear weak. I cant allow people to hurt me.

*tIng shrugs.*

Even Stan teo could tell i'm sort of hiding something. I'm actually quite surprised how much he reads me like an open book! I've never been close to him in poly days. But he jus has this thing, the way he see through people i guess.

I guess i've to learn how to make friends again. Next time this year, I'll make myself a better person. I'll love myself.

loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.