Other than being not caring enough, I think I'm really insecure. I don't really know why I tend to think in a very pessimistic way. When my bf (ex or present) do not answer my calls or my msgs, i would immediately think that they are outside with another gal or something. Its as though it is all programmed in my brain or something.
This is even worse after what had happened with kiat. Actually, the reason why i was very reluctant to start a relationship with him in the first place was because i had a feeling that he would cheat on me. I had a very strong feeling and this i told 2 person, Kathy and Seng. Both of them were trying very hard to convince me that i was thinking to much. Yes, i admited i was thinking too much so I accepted him.
Ever since i found out about her, i'm totally broken. I think its because in the past, i was too dependant on him emotionally. Whenever i has problems or anything, i can always look for him. It was hard for me to accept that he had feelings for someone else. It was hard for me to realise that the person i talked to everyday was lying to me. The sense of betrayal was too much for me to bear.
I've realised that you cant depend too much on other people. Not emotionally, not finacially..
Nowadays, when he doesn't answer my calls or my msgs, i would fear that he's with someone else. Even though i know he's trying very hard to make thing up to me, i still cant help feeling this way. I know he's fustrated when i'm feeling down. I have to get over it, i really am trying. I know this isn't healthy and i should stop imagining things. I should try to control my feelings.
Should i accept the fact that he's got many close frens, frens who calls him intimately? I'm always feeling down these days, esp when he goes clubbing. I know he enjoys dancing and i shouldn't stop him. But i just feel uncomfortable, not knowing who he's going to meet there. I used to let him do whatever he likes with much confidence cause i knew that he wouldn't lie to me. After what happened, that level of trust jus isn't there anymore.
He said he's willing to give up clubbing for me but i think he's missing the whole point. What's the point of stopping him from doing things that he enjoys? It wouldn't make me feel any better.
*tIng sighs.*
How can i feel better? How can i look at him and feel the same way as i did in the past? Is it true that time heals all wounds? I hope time will tell....
loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.
